yikes

I have managed to take all kinds of training around sexuality and relationships for the people we support and have co-written a curriculum for the folks in our agency and feel comfortable with the material and the learnings, but today, I am in freak out mode. I have to go out and sell myself and my knowledge to an agency that wants me to work with two of the women they support. Now, I know I can handle it. I know I can relate to the women. I know I will have support with me. But it's me I'm selling as well as my knowledge and skills.

I thought I was cool with this -- but realize it's the being judged part that is scaring me. Suppose they don't like me. Suppose they don't like my hair cut, or decide I'm too fat. Suppose they don't like the pants I'm wearing. Suppose they don't like my New York accent. Suppose they think I'm a fraud. Suppose they just don't like me. Suppose they see that I'm not a good enough person.

Once again, my brain knows the material. I know I have the skills. But I panic 'cause it's ME they will be judging.

damn, insecurity. I'm back to being a kid getting judged or evaluated for everything I do. The old tapes are playing. Loudly!