follow up

well, the comments from the Kalmars and descendents about addictions have been interesting. I think there is a whole lot of truth to the genetic flaw theory, but also truth to the we do what we see. We live the way our parents lived. We cope the way they coped -- or not. We find ways to destroy our bodies in very similar ways -- though the drug of choice may be different. I am not a 12 stepper. Have been through two years of meetings of O.A. and though the results were very positive in terms of weight loss, as soon as I stopped the very regimented plan I was on, the weight came back. And the compulsive eating returned. I think my problem with the 12 step program was the whole higher power thing. Yeah, I get it, the higher power can be anyone or anything you choose. But my groups were so totally supreme being focused, that that piece didn't work for me. Feeling that some higher power had the time to worry about whether I ate a doughnut or not just didn't seem like the thing a higher power should waste his/her time on. That's my own stuff. If the 12 steps works for you, fantastic. I'm a firm believer in if it works for you, to hell with what someone else may think about your recovery journey.

For me, for right now, I am trying to do some stuff about when my addictions act up, and what is going on at the time. Figuring out what I have been doing when I feel strong. Am I finding ways to handle stress or whatever in a positive way. Some times I feel it's the whole bad girl thing. This is what I shouldn't be doing, let's see if I can get away with it. Who the hell gets cheated in that scenario?

I am an addict.....

I come from a long line of addicts. If I smoke, I smoke a zillion cigarettes. If I eat, I eat everything I can find. If I drink, I drink until I fall down. What the hell?

My parents generation had major addiction issues -- food, booze, pills. You name it. My generation of cousins is littered with gambling addicts, coke heads, alcoholics, overeaters, co-dependents, smokers. Many of us have recovered, even if for a while, but we continue to struggle. Some of us have died from our addictions. Many of us have married addicts of one sort or another. Some more than once.

What is this about? Did we inherit this genetic flaw? Are we all looking for something we're missing? Are we all weak?

Hey, Kalmars and our descendents, jump in on this one. Any clues? Any tips? Should we start our own Kalmar 12 Step Program?

yikes

I have managed to take all kinds of training around sexuality and relationships for the people we support and have co-written a curriculum for the folks in our agency and feel comfortable with the material and the learnings, but today, I am in freak out mode. I have to go out and sell myself and my knowledge to an agency that wants me to work with two of the women they support. Now, I know I can handle it. I know I can relate to the women. I know I will have support with me. But it's me I'm selling as well as my knowledge and skills.

I thought I was cool with this -- but realize it's the being judged part that is scaring me. Suppose they don't like me. Suppose they don't like my hair cut, or decide I'm too fat. Suppose they don't like the pants I'm wearing. Suppose they don't like my New York accent. Suppose they think I'm a fraud. Suppose they just don't like me. Suppose they see that I'm not a good enough person.

Once again, my brain knows the material. I know I have the skills. But I panic 'cause it's ME they will be judging.

damn, insecurity. I'm back to being a kid getting judged or evaluated for everything I do. The old tapes are playing. Loudly!